It’s Not You, It’s Them by @Lolaspeaking

its not you its them

It’s Not You, It’s Them by @Lolaspeaking

Who among us hasn’t spent time chatting with someone via email after connecting online? We chat and get to know each other. We eventually exchange phone numbers, we start texting, we continue to email during the day, while we’re at work, someone finally picks up the phone and calls, and the phone conversations start. We giggle nervously, until we get to know each other a little bit. We laugh whole-heartedly once we know how to get each other laughing. Sometimes, the phone calls are long, and sometimes, just quick snippets. A sound bite to get you through your day. To let you know someone’s thinking of you. (I love those).


We’ve already seen each others photos so we already know whether we’re attracted to each other physically, but can he make me laugh? Does she have a soft, sexy voice? Does he?


You don’t even have to tell me. I know we’ve all been here. We get excited. We set a date.

Then, He Cancels

Maybe not a great reason, but a reason just the same. A plausible one. Maybe his dad asked him to help out with someone at the house, or maybe his mum needs a ride to the doctor’s. Something that makes you believe him, but you’re disappointed. You’re heavy hearted, and you wish you’d not spent so much time talking to him. Or to her.


Then, the dreaded negative self chatter starts to creep in. “I wonder what I said..I wonder if he met someone else..I wonder if I should’ve told him that I xyz…I’m never going to meet anyone, I’m doomed for the rest of my life to be single, no one is ever going to like me…” Don’t deny it. I know we’ve all been there.


[quote align=”right” color=”#999999″]“I wonder what I said..I wonder if he met someone else..I wonder if I should’ve told him that I xyz…I’m never going to meet anyone, I’m doomed for the rest of my life to be single, no one is ever going to like me…”[/quote]

I met a guy on line and we got on like a house on fire. We talked and talked for hours every day. He had a bad cold when we first started talking so we waited it out a week before we set up a date. No problem, he called me every evening for a chat, and we texted throughout the day. The day we were to go on our date, he called and cancelled. He was still sick and had a fever, and didn’t want to risk getting me sick. We talked several times over the course of the weekend, with no talk of rescheduling. So I brought it up. “Sure, no problem,” he said. “When would you like to go out?” So we set it up for Friday night. “I want to take you on a really great, romantic date,” he said. Who am I to say no to a great, romantic date? I bought a new outfit, I was excited. I told people. I put it on my status update on Facebook that I had a hot date.


He stood me up. And then, he disappeared. For weeks. Didn’t hear from him. No message, no nothing. Just no word. I tried, to no avail to get in touch with him and then one day I called him during the day as he is a business guy and needed to answer his cell during the day. He was nice to me when he answered and realized it was me. He told me that he was sorry about disappearing but that some family stuff had happened and he needed to deal with that for right now.


Okay. Great. At least now I know what happened. It’s tough when there’s no word, no conversation, just nothing. It’s harder still, to not make it about ourselves.


The unfortunate part was, he did it a second time. At least this time I didn’t go out and buy a whole new outfit. He texted me again to get in touch several months later, and I never gave him the time of day.


No one should make you feel like you’ve done something wrong, or that you’re not enough of something or too much of something else. Especially if you’ve never met.


When you’re online dating, people continue to do weird things all the time. I don’t think that will ever go away. But the one thing we always need to remember, the MOST important thing we need to remember is that it’s not you. It’s them.


If you can keep that mantra running on repeat, online dating will be a breeze. But please don’t ever think it has anything to do with you.

It’s Not You

No one is worth all the negative self talk.


No one.


Go forth and be awesome.


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