Communicating With Men: Avoid Shame by @themanmaven
When communicating with men, try to avoid judging your feelings and don’t allow a man’s behaviour to define your self worth. Also, try to take things less personally.
When I was married, I was like a lil’ eel hiding in her cave when it came to expressing my feelings. I lived life afraid of revealing the real me to my hubby, squelching my dark feelings of insecurity and neediness so that he would still love me.
It was only later, after my husband had left, that I realised men don’t want you to hide who you are. They actually can’t fall in love with you unless you share your whole self with them.
Stop Thinking That Dark Is Bad
In order to share your whole self with a man, drop your bias against negative feelings. Yes, your darker feelings are painful and can make you judge your self-worth, but the truth is that a negative feeling is just a visitor.
Your negative and positive feelings are just “passing through” and don’t define you.
Imagine that you are a li’l hotel by the side of the road and your feelings are travellers who come stay at your hotel. Some will stay a few hours, some a few days or months. But none of these visitors own the hotel.
Communicate In A Way That Avoids Blame
The way you deal with your feelings is very important. Share your feelings free of blame.
It’s not your fault if you’re angry, sad, anxious or needy. And it’s not his fault either. Yes, his behaviour can contribute to your emotional state, but he’s not the actual reason you’re upset.
The actual reason you’re upset is that your feelings aren’t meshing well with his behaviour. Maybe another woman wouldn’t care that he lacks certain sensitivities.
If you can communicate with men knowing that your feelings aren’t anyone’s fault, you can save your relationship.
So instead of saying:
- “You’re a jerk and I need a king.”
- “You make me want to scream.”
- “I feel like you don’t care about this relationship.”
- “I feel sad. I want to feel like a queen in my relationship and I don’t.”
- “I feel so angry I want to scream.”
- “I feel unheard and unseen in this relationship.”
Don’t Let His Behaviour Affect Your Self – Worth
Chances are, his bad habits are relationship patterns that didn’t start with and aren’t exclusive to his treatment of you.
Most people who are thoughtless, distant, cold, etc. in a relationship are those things with most everybody. Sure his friendlier with the hostess at IHOP than he is with you, but I guarantee that if he’d married her, she’d be getting the same treatment you do.
Now this doesn’t mean you should just grin and bare all his poor behaviour. It just means that most likely it’s not about you. If your relationship has issues, address them but don’t let those issues destroy your confidence.
If his behaviour often causes you pain, think about why you’re in that relationship. Don’t take it upon yourself to “change” a man to prove to yourself that you are in fact worth loving. You ARE worth loving and if he isn’t acting in ways that make you feel loved, get to couples therapy or hun, cut bait.
If you want to learn how to communicate with men, check out my eProgram Inspire His Love For You. On the site you can sign up for my FREE mini course “Reasons Men Fall In & Out Of Love… And What You Can Do About It.”