Double Checking Your Non-Negotiable List by @DatingDallas
Deep down, we all have a list of non-negotiable items that we want in a significant other. We may never actually speak of the list with other people, or maybe even spend time thinking about them, but they impact who we choose to date and who we choose not to date.
I actually think that some people have this list in their sub-conscious thoughts because many of the conversations I have had leading up to writing this article has been about the definition of a non-negotiable and what role it plays in choosing mates. Most of the people that I spoke with knew exactly what I was talking about once I started explaining it, but they never were able to put a title with their lists.
What is a non-negotiable list?
A non-negotiable list is a list of deal-breakers. It contains the character qualities, emotional qualities, or physical qualities that you want in your future partner. It is not a “wish list,” it’s a rational and reasonable list of qualities that an actual human can possess.
How to create your own non-negotiable list
In order to figure out what you want out of a relationship, you need to start with the type of person you would like to date. To do this, you must figure out what matters most to you. Is it politics, religion, looks, lifestyle? Whatever it is, find out your number one non-negotiable and build from there.
Once you have a good list put together, put the list aside and think on it for a few days.
When you revisit your list, pull out another piece of paper and do it over from scratch—then compare the two lists. Most of the time after you’ve given something some thought, it will change. The items that are repeated are the things that matter most to you and therefore should be on your non-negotiable list. The others, well, that’s up to you whether to include them or not.
After you’re put together your list, tell someone about it. You need to make sure it is reasonable and not too lofty of a list for someone to attain.
Also, if you can’t say your list out loud or tell someone about it, then that’s another sign that you don’t really want it or that you want it for the wrong reasons.
My non-negotiable list
For me, it starts with the most important non-negotiable item and then builds on from there with more not so important, but still important non-negotiable things.
My number one non-negotiable item is what I call, “Heart Matters.” This is an accumulation of qualities about his heart (emotionally and spiritually) that I would really like for my partner to have.
From there I have other non-negotiables that cover matters from lifestyle to aspirations and desires.
How to use your non-negotiable list to your advantage
I have a rule that I go on a date if asked—always, unless I know for a fact that my non-negotiables are not met. Once out on the date, I make sure to ask the right questions to see if he meets a few of the items on my list. If he does, we go out again, and if he doesn’t then I move onto the next.
Your list from here on out should be what you stick with. If that’s what you want, hold out for it.
I know that even if someone is “perfect” in the world’s eyes, but he does not have one of the items on my list, the relationship will not work. It won’t—because the things that matter most to you are not met.
Sticking to the list has saved me from more heartache than I can tell. I oftentimes want to kick myself for not starting this sooner, but, heartache is necessary and overcoming heartache is self-improvement.
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