Why I stopped looking for love… by @KellySeal

why I stopped looking for love

Why I stopped looking for love… by @KellySeal

Why I stopped looking for love (at first sight)

When I was dating, a man’s potential as boyfriend material was based on one elusive thing: chemistry. I craved instant attraction, the kind that makes you weak in the knees, or at least want to rip the guy’s clothes off in the middle of dinner.

 

Usually the men I met were a little less…exciting. We made polite conversation, laughed at each other’s jokes, and I tried to avoid touching them so they wouldn’t get the wrong idea. They were nice enough, but they didn’t move me. So why should I waste my time?

 

I thought that love would be an instant knowing. That chemistry doesn’t lie, so it must mean real and true love is there for a spark to exist. This was my first mistake.

 

One day I got tired of searching for this elusive feeling in my boring dates, one that seemed to appear more easily when I was much younger and ready to jump into relationships with boys who rode motorcycles or smoked pot and perpetually had to wipe the hair out of their eyes. I was looking for how I felt in those heady days of being a young twenty-something, and discovering that as I grew older either the men out there were getting worse or I was getting pickier. But neither was the case.

 

I was spending way too much time chasing a feeling, thinking that unbelievable chemistry was the only indicator of [quote align=”right” color=”#999999″]I was spending way too much time chasing a feeling
love. But then what about those boyfriends who I thought were “the one” because of our chemistry, who ended up being fickle or scared or both? The truth is, real love is what happens when you think of things in a different way. When you’re ready to change.

 

I started to date with abandon, because I didn’t care anymore. I’d done things one way and it hadn’t worked – shouldn’t I try another way? I didn’t judge based on chemistry anymore, and because of that, everyone seemed infinitely more appealing. I had more fun, I enjoyed myself without stressing out about my list or what a man’s intentions were or whether or not he was right for me, and I sunk in the new feeling of “what the f***,” because I wanted to like dating again. I wanted something to change. And it did.

 

When I let go of how I expected love to happen, it happened. I got out of my own way, so then I could see it more clearly when it made its appearance unexpectedly. Unlike the slap in the face of chemistry, this love snuck up slowly but surely, not announcing its presence but allowing me to finally see it.


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3 Comments

  • According to Jewels
    June 2, 2012

    What a great message. There needs to be attraction but that electric sizzle that we chase doesn’t always last and isn’t always attached to a man who is right for us. In fact that sizzle is usually accompanied by the kind of men I would never want to be serious with but are still oh so fun. I’ll admit that I’ve been looking for the combination of both, the electricity and the right kind of guy, and this article has taught me maybe I need to start looking at things differently.

  • singledatingdiva
    June 2, 2012

    I still believe there has to be a spark and chemistry, but that has to be accompanied by substance, there has to be a balance. I had stopped looking for the spark and met my good guy ex-husband, well we all know how that turned out. So I have learned that I need both, there’s nothing wrong with that … it ensures you have a complete relationship and you won’t be looking for anything else when you find it.

  • singlegirlie
    June 2, 2012

    Fantastic. I love this. I was exactly the same way – if there wasn’t instantaneous chemistry, then surely, it wasn’t meant to be. Such silly, naive thinking, now that I look back. I’ve had plenty of instant chemistry, and those relationships never worked out because I was judging men not on who they really were, but how they made me feel (at first). Chemistry doesn’t tell you who a person is.

    Good for you for figuring it out. I still have trouble in this area, but I am at least now cognitively aware and working on it. In my last relationship, I didn’t feel a spark at first, but it developed after about the third date. I’m getting there.

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